We adore the american chaperones. Articles of american madness. Chaperone americans drive caravans to bowling alleys. They say, “darling pistol” and “lunch on the rocks.” We throw toothpicks at them behind fake shrubbery. We critique the way they wax their caravans how they drink their beer how they choose mauve seat cushions. We do this until foam hammers stick out of their mouths and their hair. Still they drink their beer. They pour it down their throats and say amen. Oh american chaperones. Articles of american madness, drink your america. The loggerheads will steal your shoes. Drink before your tattoos fall off. Drink your country soaked in foosball sweat. Toast yourselves, american chaperones, and pour your finest country down your throats.